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The Character’s Toolkit Podcast- Secrets

March 27, 2026 by Leave a Comment

So… I was just on a podcast called The Character’s Toolkit talking about secrets. It starts with Erin White, Author of Like Family talking about how secrets play out in the book and then with maybe 22 minutes left it pivots to my part.

It was so much fun, Marisa Gelfand of Clayton Mental Health LLC was a great host to work with and made this first experience of being a guest on a podcast so easy. I’m truly grateful for the experience and hope that you all enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed participating.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-interconnection-of-secrets-and-intimacy-like/id1817528646?i=1000757470935

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Shame…the work I do

May 7, 2025 by Leave a Comment

I was thinking about the work I do, the people I work with and what I like about it and I realized while there are so many areas that I focus or work on with my clients…it can all be brought back to shame in some way.  Sometimes it is the shame we feel for things we have done that hurt our partner like having an affair.  Other times it is that shame we hold from when we were young and not feeling like we were enough for those that we look towards to care for us.  And a lot of times it is the shame we feel for being ourselves or trying to be who we want to be.

I think the reason I enjoy this work so much is because I feel like at some point in our lives we have been given the message that we aren’t enough.  I use the words “the message” because sometimes these are the stories we tell ourselves and other times these are direct messages that we have heard from those that are supposed to be our biggest supporters.  The work I do is about loving and accepting ourselves, seeing that who we are as people (even when it doesn’t follow social or societal norms) is okay and that we are not bad or broken.  

I came into this work at a later age, after giving up a marriage and life where everyone told me that I was so lucky and couldn’t figure out why I was leaving.  This isn’t going to be a blog where I blast my ex- he gave me the two best gifts of my life, my boys and I will forever be grateful to him for that.  We were/are different people, we want different things out of life, and at the end of the day- the person I am was not accepted, appreciated, and loved.  So I left because I decided to love myself first and I continue to do this everyday.  I care about others’ thoughts about me, but not more than my own.  I wanted to be a support to others that were being told that they should do what is expected instead of doing what they feel is right for them.  I wanted to be the couples therapist that was accepting of whatever relationship dynamic or kink they might be into as long as it was consensual, and to stop trying to blame basic relationship issues that happen in monogamous relationships on different relationship dynamics.

I have always worked in relationships, and one of the areas that I worked in more when I first started was affairs/infidelity.  I take a different approach to this because while I want to help the partner that has been hurt by the betrayal of the transgression; I also want to understand the partner that did the cheating.  I want to hear what their experience was, how they came to make this decision, what it was like for them as they cheated on their partner, and what is making them want to make a change and do the work.  I often heard the guilt and shame come through as they describe how it felt to come home knowing they had done something that would hurt their partner.  My job is to help them see that while we wouldn’t have chosen this way to get to the work that needs to be done to rebuild their marriage, that they are now sitting in my office putting in the work together.  We are human, we make mistakes- it’s the work, the learning, the growth that we take from it that is important.  

I also work with people in non-monogamous relationships, as well as those interested in kink.  While many of my clients are clear on who they are and what they like, it doesn’t mean that they don’t struggle with what others might think about them.  This shows up with my non-monogamous folks that don’t share with their co-workers out of fear of getting fired, their friends and family because they don’t think they will approve, and those that have children with an ex-partner out of fear of loss of custody and rights with their children.  It isn’t a widely accepted way of life and while they may feel secure in their own relationships, they don’t often get the security and support they need from those closest to them.  I enjoy the work I do with these couples/dynamics because too often they have already seen a therapist that has told them the reason their relationship is struggling is because of the other people they are seeing.  While this could be the case, many of the things that show up in non-monogamous couples also show up in monogamous couples.  Jealousy and insecurity, communication and intimacy issues as well as loss of connection are happening regardless of whether the couple is monogamous or not.  The work that needs to be done isn’t ending other relationships or activities but to understand why they are feeling this way and working on themselves on their own or with their partner to strengthen the relationship.  

In kink it shows up as questions like, “is this normal or okay?”, “how do I tell someone I’m dating that I’m into this?”, and “what if what I share is shared with others?” (this one comes up with non-monogamy too).  I do a lot of work with my clients around where they learned the message that non-monogamy or a kink is wrong and help them explore why it isn’t wrong or bad to them.  I help them navigate how they are living their lives, who they will share with, and how they make these shares.  We explore why it’s important for some to know and not others, what makes them want to share, and how to know when it is appropriate to share.  I also try to help them accept who they are and have confidence to be that person instead of doing what is the norm for comfort and ease.

An area that really fascinated me when I was going through my program for sex therapy at the University of Michigan was men’s sexual health.  And as I thought about why that interests me so much, I thought about how there has always been a focus on men’s penis’s and how they function.  Men are talking about the size of their penis from a young age (I know, I have boys), they talk about it in movies, or dating apps with people boasting about how large they are, even the angle of a dick pic is important.  And the function of it- everything from it didn’t get hard, he came too fast or it takes too long for him to cum is being discussed to the point that some men with no medical issues causing premature or delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction believe that they have an issue.  Instead of looking at what might have caused these things to happen, they think that something is wrong with them and the shame they feel only leads to the thing that is happening to continue to happen.  I want to help men get out of that shame and normalize the things happening in their bodies.  More to come on this topic…look for a blog specific to this and the support/resources that can help.

So whether it is work you want to do to focus on letting go of the shame you hold from childhood and thinking you aren’t enough, focusing on loving and accepting yourself and who you are, or looking at the relationships you have and what you want from them- I am here to help.  

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, ENM, General, Individual Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

What’s Stopping You?

March 2, 2025 by Leave a Comment

I work with individuals and couples on everything from basic communication skills, infidelity, connection/intimacy, sexual concerns, kink and relationship orientations/styles.  Sometimes couples come in because both of them want to strengthen and/or rebuild the relationship they have.  Other times they come in because both of them want to try something different; that is, to change how the relationship looks and works, or add others to their relationship.  This is often because, although the relationship might be strong and both partners would like to stay together, a part of them is not being cared for in the current relationship.  

An example of this could be a couple that has been in a sexless marriage. Instead of one partner being abstinent and the other partner forcing themself to have sex with some sort of regularity; they decide to include a third partner that would meet the sexual needs of the partner that would like to have more sex.  Another example could be that one partner is more into kink and doesn’t want this with their current partner (because it has never been something that partner has expressed interest in).  So they want to explore those kinks with someone else.  For both examples, while there is a lot that needs to be discussed (e.g. time/energy, money, being discrete if needed/who will know, sexual safety, etc), with the right agreements these relationship changes can be something that is not only good for the partner that is feeling like a part of them isn’t being acknowledged/seen but often times for the relationship itself between the primary couple.

So whether it’s someone to be more social with, shibari, BDSM, or an open/polyamourous relationship, what is stopping us from talking to our partners about the pieces of us that aren’t being acknowledged?  

The biggest fear that I hear when I consult individuals that want to explore this is that their partner will not be okay with it, their partner will leave them, and their partner will be hurt.  It’s a big conversation and a big switch in the relationship dynamic they have been living.  The introduction of the relationship dynamic brings up fear of loss for both partners.  There is fear that they aren’t enough, fear that they will be left for this new person/people, fear that others will find out (and they will be judged by others).  

There are also individual fears of what others may think unrelated to the fears a couple may have (because sometimes you aren’t in a relationship).  I’m going to give a personal example.  I remember going through my sex therapy certification program through the University of Michigan and feeling like even though there were activities I would like to explore, I couldn’t because I might run into clients or be judged because of other people’s impression of what those activities mean to them.  My instructors shared their personal lives with us and it felt so freeing that they were allowing themselves to be human and live the life they wanted to live.  It gave me the strength to explore shibari and see what it meant to me.  I feel that most people think that this has to be sexual, but it isn’t for all (and isn’t for me).  It is different for every person and you won’t know until you explore it.  

I learned that I like shibari because it lets me surrender control, which if you know me, is a big deal- there’s a lot I have to manage in my life.  Shibari is a rest/reset for me and I feel very secure when I am tied.  I describe it as being like a baby being swaddled- a very safe and cared for feeling.  This isn’t everyone’s experience, and some have very different likes from my personal experiences.  Some like it for the pain when they are suspended.  Others feel very sexual when tied up.  But that fear that people will hear that I participate in shibari and decide who I am as a person or what I’m doing means based off their understanding plays a big part in why I don’t share with everyone.  I don’t share this with many people, so if you are reading this please know that this was a very vulnerable share.  But it’s an example of the fear that’s stopping us and exploring those within ourselves.

So let’s dive into these fears we discussed earlier.  That fear that we aren’t enough is big, we feel this in so many areas in our lives but it all comes back to how we think others think about us.  We are being told that our partner doesn’t want to be with us or or they want something that we aren’t providing and maybe never did.  So it may be that we aren’t enough- but why do we have to be everything for our person?  Why can’t we be with our partner as co-parents, managing the household, vacations/holidays, sharing in the activities that we enjoy together, and having intimacy/connection in other ways than sex/kink?  Why would it be okay if we were interested in something like bowling and wanted to join a league but it’s not okay for us to form a community of people who enjoy some form of kink?  Where did we learn that we have to be everything or even that we can only be with one person?  

This fear that we aren’t enough bleeds into our fear that our partner will leave us for this other person.  The truth is, your partner could leave you at any time for any reason and you don’t have control over this.  What you need to look at is how your partner is showing up for/with you, if they are being a partner in all the ways you want and need and want to continue to work on and improve your relationship.  This should show you that they are invested in the relationship.  Your partner talking with you about wanting to change the dynamics of the relationship, asking for your input and opinions/thoughts, a willingness to go at your pace all show that they care about you and want to make things work with you.  As a community we need to challenge these intrusive thoughts or stories in our head with what is actually happening and place trust in our partners words and deeds.

I would never suggest looking at the relationship with another person outside of your marriage/primary relationship as something to only meet a need; that thinking cheapens the other relationship and demeans the other person as a human.  I think we should all do our best to care for other humans to the best of our ability.  

I do think that we can form outside relationships with an understanding of what we feel they can be and share this information upfront so that these outside people/potential partners can choose if it will work for them.  If we could look at outside relationships as meeting a need our partner has instead of focusing on us not being enough, we might be able to have more joy for our partner feeling fulfilled.  If we looked at it as something our partner has gone without in order to have a relationship with us, as something they had given up out of commitment to us; then we can have compassion for that part of them that has gone without or has been hidden and want them to be able to have that hidden part seen and acknowledged even if it isn’t with us.

So, let’s say you get to a place where you don’t feel you have to be your partner’s everything and you feel safe that your partner isn’t going to leave you for someone else.  Now you have to deal with the potential fall out of others finding out about what you are doing and their opinions about your relationship orientation.  This is hard, maybe even scary in some cases because there is no protection for these different relationship orientations.  If we look back to the past, we see people losing their jobs or custody of children over their sexual or relationship orientation.  This makes things difficult because even if you believe in what you are doing and both partners are in agreement with it- this isn’t how we were raised to see relationships

When we are growing up, the examples that we see are two people being together and we are taught that if it is the “right” person, they will be the only person that you need to have a romantic relationship with.  We are taught that you should have a lot in common and want to do the same things and that if you don’t want the same things that it might not be a good match.  But people grow and change throughout their lifetime, we gain new interests or we lose interest in things that we once enjoyed.  Our bodies change and we might not want or need to be physical as much as we did in the past.  But that doesn’t have to change the bond we have with our partner, the history and connection we share, and our hopes for what life will look like with this person moving forward.

Whether it is exploring a new kink or a new relationship orientation- what’s stopping you?  Think about those things that hold you back, ask yourself why they hold so much power, why are you letting fear control your life?  Ask yourself what you want, why you want it, and what it means to you to have it in your life.  And when you’re ready to take that step into exploring this part of your life, I am here to help you (and your partner) work to get there.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, ENM, General, Individual Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Are You Ready to be in a Relationship?

January 27, 2025 by Leave a Comment

When we think about being in a relationship, finding a partner to share our life with, we often think about the things we see in movies.  We have this idea that this person will complete us, fill our cup, make us happy.  If it’s a good relationship it should be easy, no work, and we will get along all the time.  This is what we are taught being in a relationship is, right?  But this isn’t reality.  We come from different families/backgrounds, we have experiences from past relationships that shape the moves we make, and there are things that are needed from a partner in order for the relationship to feel safe and secure.

Before we think about all the things we would like from a potential partner, we might first think about why we want to be in a relationship in the first place.  With the apps as a way to quickly meet people for anything from a hookup to an actual relationship with the hope of something long term, people are able to have immediate access to people that are willing to chat with them.  These apps can fill so many needs without even meeting a person face to face.  When someone hits the like button on your profile it’s validating, an ego boost- sometimes that is all that someone needs.  Other times people are feeling lonely and having someone to chat with fills their need for a moment.  If these things are enough, then you might not really want or be ready for a relationship and this might be as far as you go.  

If you are wanting more, someone to give your time and energy to, to have new experiences with, to share your favorite things in life, and are ready to take a risk and open your heart- you might be looking for a relationship.  There are many types of relationships- this doesn’t just have to be romantic.  If you don’t enjoy someone’s company you probably aren’t going to give them your time even as a friend.  But if you enjoy a friend’s company you might choose to spend the evening with them over going out on a first date with someone you don’t know.  We want different things from different types of relationships and one of my favorite things to say is that we get to choose how we want our relationships to look.  I spoke about this in my blog about having different expectations with different people.

I decided to write about this not just from the experiences I have as a therapist but in my own experiences in the dating world.  I try to be intentional when I am putting myself out there in the dating pool.  I have caught myself feeling lonely, wanting some external validation, even going on dates with people that I might not have chosen had they not liked me first.  I’ve really had to check myself and think about how that impacts others when we come into their lives and aren’t ready to date.  If they are ready and excited about you but you are just filling a night so you don’t have to be home alone- this can be really hurtful to the other person who may be ready for a relationship.  It could be a recent breakup that hasn’t healed or not knowing why you are dating- if you aren’t ready to invest in getting to know someone with the intention of it being the relationship you are both stating you want, then it’s best to wait until you have the emotional bandwidth to take this on.

For this blog I am speaking more about getting into a romantic relationship, why we want this type of relationship, and what our expectations are for a partner we would be in that relationship with.  We often start with attraction to someone and then take the time to get to know them to see if they are in alignment with the things we are hoping for in a partner.  Often we let the attraction move into the physical/chemistry/sexual tension and between this and the excitement of being with someone that is also choosing to be with us (because it’s rough out there and not all first dates lead to second ones),  we don’t take the time to really get to know the person and make sure that we are on the same page.

We aren’t taught to do this, and are shown that when people are direct about what they are looking for the other person can feel things are moving too fast and might not like us.  Some of the questions that we should be thinking about are: what kind of time are you hoping for in a relationship, are they wanting a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, are you interested in (living together, getting married, having kids- it could keep going: traveling, skiing, going to concerts, etc- do they want to participate in your life), what is their view on sexual health and what would that look like in the relationship, is there anything that they feel you should know about them/what are their non-negotiables  in a relationship.  I like to suggest that when people are having this conversation with someone new (hopefully within the first couple dates), that they explain that they want to make sure that they are on the same page and understand that this isn’t saying that the relationship will work, but more a hope that they are going in the same direction/wanting the same things.  

As a therapist, one of the things that I deal with the most is a lack of communication, and I think it starts early.  We tell ourselves if we are too direct and ask for/share what we need in a relationship, that we could lose the person.  The question I ask my clients to think about is “why would you want to be with someone you can’t be yourself with and who doesn’t want to/isn’t capable of meeting your needs for a partner in a relationship?”  If we could look at it differently and think of it as being kind to others and respecting them and caring for their hearts, then asking these questions early on and deciding to end things is the kinder option than staying with someone and realizing six months in that they aren’t a good match for you.  

So before you decide to get back out there, think about why you are getting back out there.  And then if it feels like it is because you are ready to give to someone in the ways that you are hoping they will give to you- then think about what you want from that partner, what you want the relationship to look like, the things you would want to do with this person, the kind of person (their character) you are looking for.  And then when you go on a date- hold these conversations to see if they would be a good fit.  If you find yourself attracted to someone but all the things you love and value in life you will be doing alone if you continue the relationship, you might ask yourself if this is really the right person for you.

Dating is hard, relationships are hard.  If you are struggling to find your sense of self, assert yourself with confidence, and stay within your wants and needs in relationships, I’d like to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, ENM, Individual

Expectations in Relationships

November 20, 2024 by Leave a Comment

We have many kinds of relationships in our lives, so many different titles.  We are a friend, child, sibling, parent, partner, co-worker- this list goes on.  And we have different expectations in each of these relationships and are okay with that.  But when we are dating more than one person or moving out of a relationship into a new one, do we have to have the same expectations for them?  

I’m posing this question because in my own dating I like to ask people to start as they intend to continue.  I do this because I want the real version of them.  I don’t want them giving me what they think I want and then struggling to continue that behavior.  Usually most people that I’ve dated would say good morning and good night naturally and I started to either ask for or expect it.  This act makes me feel important, thought of, it’s meaningful to me.  But I started dating someone new who doesn’t text as much and definitely not good morning and good night daily.  I was having a hard time with this at first but realized that I wasn’t letting him be who he is and was trying to change him based on my usual expectations.  

I acknowledged that this is work I needed to do, not him.  I started looking at the other things in the relationship that let me know I’m important or he is thinking of me instead of focusing on what I would usually see as signs of those things.  Once I was able to do this, I was able to appreciate the things he does even more, to be more grateful when he does send me a text or send’s a kiss emoji.  

I took a look at why I needed those things in some of my other relationships.  When I was expecting a good morning or good night it was because those things were given freely and when I was upset by them not happening it was because I knew that it was something that the person was capable of giving because they had (without my requesting it in the beginning).  When this happened, I was hurt and I started to create stories about why this was no longer happening- the safety and security in the relationship wasn’t there.  So the sense of safety and security that you have in a relationship can also play into why you have certain expectations and how you react when those expectations aren’t met.  If I’m feeling secure in the relationship and I don’t get a good night text because they fell asleep on the couch, I’m no longer upset or telling myself a story- I can feel secure knowing it’s not an avoidance of it or a game that is being played.  

So I think that answer- at least for me, is yes, just like different people/relationships can meet different needs, we can also have different expectations of the various relationships we are in.  The work isn’t in trying to get someone to meet your expectations as much as it is understanding why you have those expectations and if you need to have them for every person you date.

If you are wanting to work on creating healthy relationships with others, knowing what you want from those relationships and why- I’m here to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, ENM, Individual Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is Non-Monogamy Right For You?

September 26, 2024 by Leave a Comment

I see couples that are monogamous in my practice and those that have chosen to open up their relationships in some way- non-monogamous.  When couples come in and talk about opening up their relationship they have lots of different reasons: to spice up their own relationship, to have different sexual experiences, to explore their kinks, to have more than one connected relationship/emotionally connect with another.  I’m open to creating whatever kind of relationship they would like to have with their partner and others and my big question is less about why then how will this look and how will they do this in a world that is geared towards monogamy.

The Feels:

Some of the things we discuss have to do with time, money, communication, and sexual health information.  Other things that usually make there way into our conversations are how they will feel if/when their partner develops feelings for one of their other partners or the relationship with a new partner becomes more serious.  I hear people request that their partner not become emotionally connected or have feelings for their other partners.  This is when I jump in and say that while they can choose to end things if feelings start to happen (which I don’t recommend, I want them to remember the other person has feelings too and try to get them to think of things in a kind and ethical way), they can’t control if someone catches the feels.  When they decide to get into a relationship with someone, even if it is supposed to be casual- they can’t control if they have feelings.

Communication:

For those that are new to non-monogamy they will talk about a don’t ask, don’t tell policy- almost like an “I don’t want to know” and for some this can work.  For others it leaves them feeling like they don’t know how their partner really feels and it can lead to issues in the relationship they are working on developing with a new partner and to areas that need to be repaired in their first relationship.  The things that weren’t discussed and have happened may be asked to be discontinued, but now there is another person involved who also has feelings and is attached.  If we don’t feel secure in our first relationship then it doesn’t feel safe to step into the new one fully.  The lack of communication that I often see in monogamous couples (because they don’t have to talk about things like dating others) gets transferred over to their non-monogamous lives.  They aren’t talking about what is happening in the other relationship and don’t know how their partner feels about them dating someone else if nothing is being discussed. 

Monogamy Guilt:

The other thing that can come up with those who are new to non-monogamy and who didn’t have a feeling that this has always been a part of them is monogamy guilt.  Even though everyone is in the know, nothing is being hidden- there can still be guilt.  The guilt comes from feeling like you are doing something wrong because we live in a society where monogamy is the norm or default.  It doesn’t mean that they can’t continue in their non-monogamous relationships, but that they need to explore why they feel that guilt and if it is something they want to work on to continue the relationship with the new partner.  Do they want to be monogamous because it’s all they’ve known or does it really feel like who they are as a person?  If it is who they are as a person, then non-monogamy really will only cause confusion and hurt for all involved.  

Before you jump in:

Relationships are hard work, it’s hard being in a relationship with one person and making sure you are communicating so adding another person can feel like too much for some people.  The thing I encourage my couples to do before jumping on the dating apps is to talk about how they will handle different situations and to discuss what they are hoping for in a partner.  If you lead with what you can offer, then all parties are informed and can do what they will with that information.  Where it gets hard is when people jump in and try to figure it out along the way- this can lead to a lot of hurt feelings.  I try to remind them that others are involved and that they need to think about how they would feel if they were in that person’s shoes.  

Questions to think about/discuss with your partner:

So know what you are hoping for, know who you are and what you can offer, and negotiate what you want the relationship to be.  Know if you have always felt like you were monogamous or non-monogamous, if you believe you can only love one person at a time or many, and if you are doing this for you or because the person you are with wants to do it.  If you are only doing it because your partner wants to open up the relationship and you have the belief that you can only love one person and monogamy is the right fit for you then don’t jump into non-monogamy for your partner so they can explore it.  This is something to navigate with your partner to see if you can work towards what both want and be comfortable in those decisions.

Whatever kind of relationship you are in- I’m here to help. 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Are You Listening

May 8, 2023 by Leave a Comment

I work with couples and they often come in saying that they want to work on their communication with one another or learn how to fight fair.  As we begin the work, what I notice is that it’s not that they aren’t sharing how they feel, what they want or their perception of what is going on- it is that they aren’t able to step out of their own belief of what happened and hear their partner’s experience or perception.

It is already so hard to share how we are feeling with our partner.  Thoughts race through our minds: what will they think, will they be upset, will they understand, will they support me, will they leave me, etc.  So when someone shares their experience and their partner tells them “no, that isn’t what you meant, how you felt, your intentions”; it causes that partner to shut down because nothing they say is going to get through.  This leads to less sharing and more disconnection.  What the person sharing was afraid would happen is coming true; they have shared what is real for them and they are being dismissed or defended against.  And so the cycle goes on- and the thing they are asking for, “please talk to me, I want to hear your thoughts” isn’t going to happen because when they do, they are shut down by their partner.  

This is such a hard space to be in.  On one end, the partner that is dismissing or defending is just sharing how they are feeling, the hard that they are going through, the messages they are telling themselves, and we are supposed to share, right.  But what happens when your partner shares and instead of leaning into their experience and trying to understand or make sense of it we defend and go into our position is that our partner feels unheard and like they are wasting their time and energy if whatever they say is going to be challenged.  The person that is dismissing or defending has good reason they are feeling the way they are feeling and may struggle to make sense of what their partner is saying.  It’s scary to trust what they are saying because that would mean that they have to lower their guard and believe the best in the other person.  This is really hard to do when you feel you have been wronged.  

Y’all- I am a therapist, this is the work I do and I won’t lie to you- I get caught in this cycle too.  I want to believe that how I am feeling is right, that I can explain or justify why my partner is wrong, how they meant it.  But I’m not them, I’m not in their brain, I’m not feeling the feelings they are feeling and the only way I will know what that is, is if I listen to what they tell me.  I can stay in that place of “I’m right/you’re wrong” but what does it get me?  I feel alone, misunderstood, wronged, upset/angry- there is no winner in this scenario, only two losers left feeling defeated and disconnected.  

Our best case scenario is to be able to listen to our partner, believe they have our best intentions at heart, and even if we don’t agree with it and request that the behavior change, that we can still lean in enough to make sense of it/hear what our partner is saying.  We need to feel safe and secure to share with our partner and if we don’t the intimacy and connection between us will break down.

If you are struggling with communicating with your partner, I’d love to help you learn your negative cycles, why you are making the moves you are making,  and help you shift how you interact with your partner. 

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, General, Individual Tagged With: , , , ,

Self-Love

May 2, 2023 by Leave a Comment

  I heard this song on the radio yesterday and it hit me. I was a mess of emotion and tears for myself but also thinking about how many of us are feeling this way.  Country has a way of doing that, doesn’t it:).  But seriously- it had such a powerful message about how many of us are living, myself included, with the ability to see the beauty in others but can’t see it within ourselves.  The song is Self-Love by Avery Anna and there are so many messages in it that really hit home.  She talks about how we will tell strangers that they are pretty, stay friends with those that have hurt us, reach out to friends to check on them because we are supposed to be nice to others- but how we aren’t doing this with ourselves.  When she says, “what it must be like to be, on the other side of me”- phew- it shook me.  We give so much of ourselves to others, but aren’t always receiving it back, so we need to ask for it but also give it to ourselves.  

  We are taught to look after others, their emotions, build them up, smile and be kind to others.  On the other side of that, as we are growing up we watch people in our lives say things like, “I’m fat, my hair looks horrible, this outfit makes my (legs, butt, stomach…) look bad, I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, etc.  Criticize ourselves but boosting others up is modeled for us.  We are told to hide our feelings, not to put them on people because it might burden them, that our feelings don’t matter (how many times have you heard an adult tell a child- “don’t cry, there’s nothing to cry about”).  We are shown that prioritizing others needs and wants is acceptable but that we are selfish if we do the same for ourselves.  We are taught to tell others all their great qualities but if we come into a room and say- don’t you love: my hair, this dress, talk about our accomplishments- then we are conceited.  

  I’m here, at 45 years old, still doing the hard work to love myself while supporting others in their journey to do this for themselves.  It is a struggle everyday to put myself first.  I question if I’m being nice or hurting someone’s feelings, if I’m doing too much for myself and how that impacts my boys, if my limits/boundaries are too much.  I am constantly challenging and justifying the things that I do, balancing what I am giving to others and what I am giving to myself.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am realizing that if I can’t be there for myself, I will not be able to be there for my boys, friends, family, and clients, and so each day I try to be kind to myself and appreciate who I am/what I have instead of tearing down the things that I don’t have yet.  

  I hope that you check out the song and see how it hits you and that this blog helps you to be more intentional about giving to yourself what you give to others.  Side note- not being able to come up with 10 things you like about yourself doesn’t say anything negative about therapy- it says the work is not yet done; therapy isn’t a three sessions and your fixed or advice giving practice.  If this is something you struggle with and you want to find a way to give love to yourself in the same way that you give it to others; I’m here to help.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Couples/Marriage, General, Individual Tagged With: , , , ,

The Vulnerability of Sharing- “I didn’t know that”

December 21, 2021 by 2 Comments

As I sit in my office and listen to couples as they share with one another, I keep hearing the same statement after someone has shared something really vulnerable- “I didn’t know that”. It’s amazing the things that we think our partner knows about us, even a friend, that we have never shared. We assume that they already know (they’ve heard me say it a thousand times, you knew that), or based on our own view of self- we assume that they hold a certain perception of us (I’m not important, I’m not worthy, I’m unlovable), or based on our view of them- we feel that they will respond a certain way (“I don’t want to talk about this”, “this isn’t a big deal”, “why are we talking about this?”). It’s so powerful to see people discussing something they didn’t know the other felt for the first time: the curiosity, the empathy, their ability to really listen and hear the message.

I’m going to give you a personal example because I think it makes me realize how easy it is to fall into this trap and how it ends up holding us in a place that we may have created for ourselves. It also lets you know that just because we are therapists, doesn’t mean that we are perfect. I’m going to let you see that I too am human and that constantly working on myself, as my clients do, helps me to see things more clearly.

I recently went to visit a close friend, someone I had known since I was in college, someone I had dated for many years when we were in college, someone I really thought I knew and who knew me, someone I thought at one point in time that I would marry. As we navigate our friendship after having dated, there have been things that have always been difficult to bring up, but we have been getting better at it and on this last visit I really felt like we made a breakthrough and did quite a bit of sharing. On this trip I learned that he thought I was confident back in college (ha- maybe that is how I expressed myself outwardly but inside I was an insecure, scared little girl). As I listened to our beliefs about what we knew about one another, I realized that as much as we thought we knew one another- we really weren’t sharing some of the deepest parts of ourselves.

I went home, processed it all for a few days and decided to call him and share something really vulnerable with him. Something I had shared on the surface but never went into how it impacted me deeply and was something I was still holding onto. When we dated, I had always felt like his family and friends were not very welcoming to me and it made me feel like they didn’t think that I was good enough for him. He had never really stood up for me and when we didn’t get married, I then told myself that he didn’t think I was good enough either. This is so important- I didn’t ask him if he thought I was good enough, or why he wasn’t ready to get married (in our early 20’s:); I just assumed it was the reasons I had placed on it.

Here we are 20 years later, talking about how much it hurt for him not to fight for me, what it all meant, the messages I told myself- really having a conversation about it and hearing one another instead of just going with our assumptions. I was hearing how he didn’t feel comfortable challenging his friends or family, didn’t know that I was hurting, didn’t know that I felt like he wasn’t choosing me or didn’t feel that I wasn’t good enough. There was no intention to make me feel that way, he didn’t want me to feel that way, and he didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough (we were just young and not ready for something that big). After having this conversation, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me, I suddenly felt even more comfortable sharing with him, it felt safe. There’s part of me that wants to be happy that we are in this great place where we can be so open with one another and there’s this other part of me that is sad that it took us this long. I had lived in that hurt, carrying so much pain for 20 years.

So why did I wait, what made it so hard to share that part of me? There are so many things that can get in the way: our fear about the response, rejection, our view of self or view of the other, assumptions, our own perception of the situation. I was afraid, afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t good enough to marry, that I wasn’t worth fighting for, not hear my hurt- not listen or be willing to listen. These are the stories we tell ourselves, that keep us from sharing our truth, and sometime they are easier to tell ourselves than the possibility of what the response could be- it’s scary!

I challenge you to start sharing your truth, to let others know who you are, what you are thinking, your hurts- take that risk. Think of all the powerful conversations that could have been had, all the times this person could have sat with you in your pain (and you for them), the connection you can form with those that you do this with.

Warning: This isn’t something to do with someone you just met, you need to feel safe, secure, and trust this person or be working on this. Yes, be authentic, be you when meeting new people, but this sharing is for those that you have known and want to deepen that bond with, those that know you and it feels safe to share with. And if sharing is hard, maybe start with talking about how sharing can be hard and see how that goes before going into topics that are more vulnerable. We all jump in where we are ready.

Good luck taking the leap and know that there is support if you need help.

Amanda@lifeinbalancestl.com
314-472-8180
www.lifeinbalancestl.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Will you love me anyway?

April 7, 2021 by 1 Comment

There is this song by Pink and Chris Stapleton called “Love me anyway?”. Every time I hear this song, I think about how so many people feel in their relationships. Not just relationships that are romantic, all relationships, parent/child, friendships, etc. As we walk through life, many people are worried about or searching for that external validation from others. We want to know that others like what we are doing, saying, wearing, how we look, etc. Social media has become a place for us to advertise the best of ourselves, to show the world what we are up to and for some, the number of likes or comments they get can determine how they feel about themselves.

In our society, this message of, “you aren’t enough” is everywhere we look. We aren’t thin enough because there is someone thinner, we aren’t happy enough because someone else looks happier, we aren’t rich enough because we don’t have all that someone else has. But imagine how good it would feel to believe that you are enough and to feel that support from others that you are enough. We want to know that we are enough, that we are safe in the relationships that we have with others, that they are going to be there for us, that they will love us anyway.

In relationships, sometimes we don’t share the deepest darkest parts of ourselves out of fear that we won’t be accepted or worse, that the person will no longer like or want to be with you. That fear or belief that we will not be accepted keeps us from sharing those deep connections that let others know our lived selves, the experiences that have shaped who we are, and explain why we react or behave in certain ways. It keeps us from truly connecting in a deep and meaningful way and feeling safe in the relationship.

I get it, its hard, its scary, you’re afraid. But you aren’t alone. If you’d like to work on having more meaningful and connected relationships, to feel safe and supported by those that are lucky enough to be called your partner, friend, parent, child…., then I’m here to help you do the work to get there.

Amanda Samuels
314-472-8180
amanda@lifeinbalancestl.com
www.lifeinbalancestl.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized