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I see couples that are monogamous in my practice and those that have chosen to open up their relationships in some way- non-monogamous.  When couples come in and talk about opening up their relationship they have lots of different reasons: to spice up their own relationship, to have different sexual experiences, to explore their kinks, to have more than one connected relationship/emotionally connect with another.  I’m open to creating whatever kind of relationship they would like to have with their partner and others and my big question is less about why then how will this look and how will they do this in a world that is geared towards monogamy.

The Feels:

Some of the things we discuss have to do with time, money, communication, and sexual health information.  Other things that usually make there way into our conversations are how they will feel if/when their partner develops feelings for one of their other partners or the relationship with a new partner becomes more serious.  I hear people request that their partner not become emotionally connected or have feelings for their other partners.  This is when I jump in and say that while they can choose to end things if feelings start to happen (which I don’t recommend, I want them to remember the other person has feelings too and try to get them to think of things in a kind and ethical way), they can’t control if someone catches the feels.  When they decide to get into a relationship with someone, even if it is supposed to be casual- they can’t control if they have feelings.

Communication:

For those that are new to non-monogamy they will talk about a don’t ask, don’t tell policy- almost like an “I don’t want to know” and for some this can work.  For others it leaves them feeling like they don’t know how their partner really feels and it can lead to issues in the relationship they are working on developing with a new partner and to areas that need to be repaired in their first relationship.  The things that weren’t discussed and have happened may be asked to be discontinued, but now there is another person involved who also has feelings and is attached.  If we don’t feel secure in our first relationship then it doesn’t feel safe to step into the new one fully.  The lack of communication that I often see in monogamous couples (because they don’t have to talk about things like dating others) gets transferred over to their non-monogamous lives.  They aren’t talking about what is happening in the other relationship and don’t know how their partner feels about them dating someone else if nothing is being discussed. 

Monogamy Guilt:

The other thing that can come up with those who are new to non-monogamy and who didn’t have a feeling that this has always been a part of them is monogamy guilt.  Even though everyone is in the know, nothing is being hidden- there can still be guilt.  The guilt comes from feeling like you are doing something wrong because we live in a society where monogamy is the norm or default.  It doesn’t mean that they can’t continue in their non-monogamous relationships, but that they need to explore why they feel that guilt and if it is something they want to work on to continue the relationship with the new partner.  Do they want to be monogamous because it’s all they’ve known or does it really feel like who they are as a person?  If it is who they are as a person, then non-monogamy really will only cause confusion and hurt for all involved.  

Before you jump in:

Relationships are hard work, it’s hard being in a relationship with one person and making sure you are communicating so adding another person can feel like too much for some people.  The thing I encourage my couples to do before jumping on the dating apps is to talk about how they will handle different situations and to discuss what they are hoping for in a partner.  If you lead with what you can offer, then all parties are informed and can do what they will with that information.  Where it gets hard is when people jump in and try to figure it out along the way- this can lead to a lot of hurt feelings.  I try to remind them that others are involved and that they need to think about how they would feel if they were in that person’s shoes.  

Questions to think about/discuss with your partner:

So know what you are hoping for, know who you are and what you can offer, and negotiate what you want the relationship to be.  Know if you have always felt like you were monogamous or non-monogamous, if you believe you can only love one person at a time or many, and if you are doing this for you or because the person you are with wants to do it.  If you are only doing it because your partner wants to open up the relationship and you have the belief that you can only love one person and monogamy is the right fit for you then don’t jump into non-monogamy for your partner so they can explore it.  This is something to navigate with your partner to see if you can work towards what both want and be comfortable in those decisions.

Whatever kind of relationship you are in- I’m here to help. 

As I sit in my office and listen to couples as they share with one another, I keep hearing the same statement after someone has shared something really vulnerable- “I didn’t know that”. It’s amazing the things that we think our partner knows about us, even a friend, that we have never shared. We assume that they already know (they’ve heard me say it a thousand times, you knew that), or based on our own view of self- we assume that they hold a certain perception of us (I’m not important, I’m not worthy, I’m unlovable), or based on our view of them- we feel that they will respond a certain way (“I don’t want to talk about this”, “this isn’t a big deal”, “why are we talking about this?”). It’s so powerful to see people discussing something they didn’t know the other felt for the first time: the curiosity, the empathy, their ability to really listen and hear the message.

I’m going to give you a personal example because I think it makes me realize how easy it is to fall into this trap and how it ends up holding us in a place that we may have created for ourselves. It also lets you know that just because we are therapists, doesn’t mean that we are perfect. I’m going to let you see that I too am human and that constantly working on myself, as my clients do, helps me to see things more clearly.

I recently went to visit a close friend, someone I had known since I was in college, someone I had dated for many years when we were in college, someone I really thought I knew and who knew me, someone I thought at one point in time that I would marry. As we navigate our friendship after having dated, there have been things that have always been difficult to bring up, but we have been getting better at it and on this last visit I really felt like we made a breakthrough and did quite a bit of sharing. On this trip I learned that he thought I was confident back in college (ha- maybe that is how I expressed myself outwardly but inside I was an insecure, scared little girl). As I listened to our beliefs about what we knew about one another, I realized that as much as we thought we knew one another- we really weren’t sharing some of the deepest parts of ourselves.

I went home, processed it all for a few days and decided to call him and share something really vulnerable with him. Something I had shared on the surface but never went into how it impacted me deeply and was something I was still holding onto. When we dated, I had always felt like his family and friends were not very welcoming to me and it made me feel like they didn’t think that I was good enough for him. He had never really stood up for me and when we didn’t get married, I then told myself that he didn’t think I was good enough either. This is so important- I didn’t ask him if he thought I was good enough, or why he wasn’t ready to get married (in our early 20’s:); I just assumed it was the reasons I had placed on it.

Here we are 20 years later, talking about how much it hurt for him not to fight for me, what it all meant, the messages I told myself- really having a conversation about it and hearing one another instead of just going with our assumptions. I was hearing how he didn’t feel comfortable challenging his friends or family, didn’t know that I was hurting, didn’t know that I felt like he wasn’t choosing me or didn’t feel that I wasn’t good enough. There was no intention to make me feel that way, he didn’t want me to feel that way, and he didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough (we were just young and not ready for something that big). After having this conversation, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me, I suddenly felt even more comfortable sharing with him, it felt safe. There’s part of me that wants to be happy that we are in this great place where we can be so open with one another and there’s this other part of me that is sad that it took us this long. I had lived in that hurt, carrying so much pain for 20 years.

So why did I wait, what made it so hard to share that part of me? There are so many things that can get in the way: our fear about the response, rejection, our view of self or view of the other, assumptions, our own perception of the situation. I was afraid, afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t good enough to marry, that I wasn’t worth fighting for, not hear my hurt- not listen or be willing to listen. These are the stories we tell ourselves, that keep us from sharing our truth, and sometime they are easier to tell ourselves than the possibility of what the response could be- it’s scary!

I challenge you to start sharing your truth, to let others know who you are, what you are thinking, your hurts- take that risk. Think of all the powerful conversations that could have been had, all the times this person could have sat with you in your pain (and you for them), the connection you can form with those that you do this with.

Warning: This isn’t something to do with someone you just met, you need to feel safe, secure, and trust this person or be working on this. Yes, be authentic, be you when meeting new people, but this sharing is for those that you have known and want to deepen that bond with, those that know you and it feels safe to share with. And if sharing is hard, maybe start with talking about how sharing can be hard and see how that goes before going into topics that are more vulnerable. We all jump in where we are ready.

Good luck taking the leap and know that there is support if you need help.

Amanda@lifeinbalancestl.com
314-472-8180
www.lifeinbalancestl.com

There is this song by Pink and Chris Stapleton called “Love me anyway?”. Every time I hear this song, I think about how so many people feel in their relationships. Not just relationships that are romantic, all relationships, parent/child, friendships, etc. As we walk through life, many people are worried about or searching for that external validation from others. We want to know that others like what we are doing, saying, wearing, how we look, etc. Social media has become a place for us to advertise the best of ourselves, to show the world what we are up to and for some, the number of likes or comments they get can determine how they feel about themselves.

In our society, this message of, “you aren’t enough” is everywhere we look. We aren’t thin enough because there is someone thinner, we aren’t happy enough because someone else looks happier, we aren’t rich enough because we don’t have all that someone else has. But imagine how good it would feel to believe that you are enough and to feel that support from others that you are enough. We want to know that we are enough, that we are safe in the relationships that we have with others, that they are going to be there for us, that they will love us anyway.

In relationships, sometimes we don’t share the deepest darkest parts of ourselves out of fear that we won’t be accepted or worse, that the person will no longer like or want to be with you. That fear or belief that we will not be accepted keeps us from sharing those deep connections that let others know our lived selves, the experiences that have shaped who we are, and explain why we react or behave in certain ways. It keeps us from truly connecting in a deep and meaningful way and feeling safe in the relationship.

I get it, its hard, its scary, you’re afraid. But you aren’t alone. If you’d like to work on having more meaningful and connected relationships, to feel safe and supported by those that are lucky enough to be called your partner, friend, parent, child…., then I’m here to help you do the work to get there.

Amanda Samuels
314-472-8180
amanda@lifeinbalancestl.com
www.lifeinbalancestl.com

It’s an exciting time, the world is opening back up, we are able to go out and have a meal at a restaurant with family and friends. Yet while we have been longing for social interaction with other, somehow we are still unable to disconnect with our electronics. We see it all the time, or maybe we do it ourselves, people at a restaurant sitting across from one another and both are on their phones. It takes away from the conversations they could be having, the connections they could be making.

With the invention of technology and the strong presence of social media, we are losing our connection with the ones we are with because we are too busy connecting with others or other content. It’s become so common that most aren’t even offended by it anymore. But we are losing that connection with those that we want it with the most, the ones we spend the most time with. We need to start thinking about how it is affecting our relationships, how we would feel if we were mid conversation and the person talking just stopped talking (often mid-sentence, yes- this has happened to me) to check their text/phone. Imagine how unimportant the person listening must feel.

This goes for the kids too. So often we see kids at a table on the parents phone or tablets, tuned out from what is going on around them. I challenge you to make meal times an electronic free time and model having conversations with your children. This will help them to make connections with others in a more present way. You are their example- so model it by doing it yourself and showing them that there isn’t anything that can’t wait until after dinner.

There are so many ways that we can be more intentional about the time that we are spending with others and the attention that we are giving them. One of these ways is to reduce our use of electronics while with others. This isn’t always possible, but if you try these tips- it may improve the quality of the relationships that you have.

Put the Phone Down
If you are out somewhere, doing something social, with someone- just put the phone down. This can be hard, you may want to look up things to do or something you are talking about- if this is the case, look it up together, sharing the information while sitting next to one another vs. across the table.

Change your notifications
We are so used to getting notifications and are no longer delaying gratification and waiting until we are alone or sometimes even done with a sentence! If you change your settings so that you aren’t notified every time you get a text, message, email, etc.- it will cut down on the time you spend looking at your phone. Bonus: If you wear a watch that notifies you- you will get less dings there too!

Silence your phone
Have you ever turned the ringer to your phone off and forgotten to turn it back on? It’s amazing the time you have to enjoy things or the things you can get done when you aren’t always hearing it ring, ding, buzz.

Making these little changes can free up a lot of time in your life and also let those that you are with know that you have held that time and space for them, that they are important to you and your value the time they are sharing with you.

If you want to strengthen the connections you have with others, I’d love to help you!

Amanda Samuels
314-472-8180
amanda@lifeinbalancestl.com

“Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating”- Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This is one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite quotes from it. It’s a love story that shows the exhilaration you feel when you first meet someone, the problems that you go through as a couple, the frustrations you may feel with your partner, the words you wish you never said, the hurt that you can feel at the loss of a relationship, and the longing for the person even after the relationship is over.

We all communicate in different ways- the spoken word isn’t the only way to communicate and just because you are talking, doesn’t mean that you are getting your message across. Just as most people try to express their love for others in the way they would like their partner to show they love, we often try to communicate in the way we would like our partner to communicate with us.
Think of all the ways that your partners communicates with you, a touch of your shoulder to show that they are there for you, a look from across the room to express interest, curiosity, romance, or even saying nothing and turning away from you or leaving the room when they are upset. You understand what your partner is saying and this gives you clues of how they communicate, how we all communicate in different ways.

Often we get so wrapped up in the conversation that we are having with someone and getting our message across that we forget to listen and hear the message our partner is trying to express, in the method that works best for them. Listen and look for clues of what your partner is trying to tell you, to repeat back what you heard them say. This shows your partner that you are listening and want to understand their message.

If your partner is asking for time or a pause, it may be because they are feeling overwhelmed by the conversation, want to take time to think about it more before coming to the conversation, or don’t have the time and attention to give at that time. Try to be patient with your partner, if they ask for time before discussing it, it is okay to ask to discuss it at a later time. The only condition is that a time to come back to it needs to be decided, preferably within a 24 hour time frame so that your partner knows you are coming back to finish the discussion.

If you are having trouble communicating with your partner, listening and hearing one another- I can help. Contact me to set up your appointment today.

Amanda Samuels

Esther Perel talks about how the expectations of marriage are different today then they were in the past. In the past, marriage was an economic decision, children were created so that they could help the family, and the needs of the family were met through the community, the village. Today, we marry for love, children are an addition to the family that create meaning, and we are more isolated as a family unit. This isolation has caused us to want our partners to be our everything- our partner/spouse, lover, best friend, parent to our children, confidant, provider, etc. All of these things can add to the stress of a relationship and shows how much we can’t depend on one person for everything.

She also talks about the need for us to keep the mystery in our relationship, that we need space in order for us to keep the erotic in our relationship. This allows us to miss the other person, not know everything so we can continue to learn something new even after being together for long periods of time. Think about how you feel when your partner leaves to go out of town, you have a chance to miss them, to realize what its like without them, how they are such a big part of your life. Sometimes, especially now, we are with someone so much that the appreciation of all that they do or how important they are to us can get lost. Those breaks in time together gives us that reminder that we need to make a reach to reconnect which then leads us to feel that the other views the relationship as meaningful. This space or time to do their own thing lets each partner have pieces of themselves that are just for them, which encourages individuality and having others that can be a support to them. Yet, while we need this individuality, we also need to know that our partner is going to be there for us.

Which brings us to what most are questioning in their relationships. The messages I hear as I listen to couples talk are: “Do you want to be with me?”, “Am I enough?”, “Will you be here for me?”, “Can I trust you to be here for me?”, “Can I show you who I am, will you accept me?” These are questions that come from many different places in a person (we all have our own lived experiences), that they often aren’t even aware of, and are often not even an indication of things that have occurred in the relationship. We want to know that we are connected to the person we are with and that they will be there for us.

So the next time your partner appears to be questioning you or seems to be saying something that indicates a lack of trust- instead of getting upset and defensive, get curious as to why. Ask them to tell you what’s going on, be compassionate to where they may be coming from- your interest and concern will show how much you care, that you are there for and with them and will help form a deeper connection in the relationship.

If you’re interested in reconnecting and forming a deeper connection with your partner, reach out, I’d love to help you on your journey of rediscovering and rebuilding your relationship.

I recently took a continuing education on self-regulation for children and was surprised at how it improved my communication with my son. I hadn’t realized that his reactions to things could be due to his perception and interpretation of the situation. I’ll give you an example so that you can see how powerful this can be, not just in communications with children, but with anyone…a partner, co-worker, friend, family member, etc.

So, after taking this class, I was so excited to give it a try. It talked about how we often don’t hear the message that someone is trying to send us, or misinterpret actions. Another way to think about this is that often a perception that someone’s reaction is crazy or out of line/control is because we don’t know how what is going on is impacting them. Most reactions or behaviors are completely understandable once you hear how the other person viewed it and how it affected them.

I’m going to break this down for you so that you have a clear example. It was a Tuesday evening. I had picked my boys up from school, they did their homework, then had Hebrew, then we had to quickly get dinner in before hockey practice. Stressful, right?! So, I’m getting their dinner together, I have a picky eater, so I making him his usual cheese tortellini, with butter and parmesan cheese. He has told me before that he likes to put the parmesan cheese on his pasta but I was in a rush, so I did it for him. He comes to the table, looks down at his food, huffs and gets up and goes to the refrigerator. I’m still in the kitchen, so I ask him what he needs. He tells me the parmesan cheese and I hand it too him. He eats but I can tell he is frustrated. Unfortunately, we have to eat and get out the door. I feel bad that I can’t address it in the moment but know we will have time to talk during my other son’s hockey practice. It ends up being a good move, it gave him time to calm down. He was overwhelmed and frustrated in that moment and needed time to come back down to a place where he could express himself.

Once I dropped off my hockey player, I was able to ask my younger son if we could talk about what happened at dinner and explained that I wanted to understand it so that if there was something I was doing that frustrated him that I could change that behavior and do better. I did two things there: I asked his permission to talk about it and I let him know that it wasn’t my intention to upset him and wanted to understand his reaction. This made him more receptive to the talk because he could hear that

I wanted to understand so that I could make changes and wasn’t accusing him of “acting crazy”.
He told me that he had already told me before that he likes to put the parmesan cheese on his pasta himself. I explained that I know that but was in a hurry. I asked him to explain why it is important that he put the parmesan cheese on his pasta. It could have been: I’m old enough to do it myself, you put too much/too little on, I just like to do it myself- these were all thoughts I had. But it was none of those. He explained that if I put the parmesan cheese on and it sits then in sinks into the pasta and butter and then its not “fluffy”, and he likes it “fluffy”- think pillows of parmesan cheese sitting on top of the pasta- he likes a lot. I never would have figured this out without getting curious about his reactions (the huffing, getting up and getting more parmesan cheese, etc.).

I could take this two different ways and it would get me two different results. The first way is to say, “well, I was in a rush and have to do it myself sometimes and you need to get over it”. This tells him I’m not listening to him or his message hasn’t been heard, that his feelings aren’t important, and that I don’t care and will do things my way because I’m the adult and I’m in charge. I didn’t take this route. Instead, I let him reset so he could be open, I asked him if we could talk instead of telling him we needed to talk, I asked him why it was important to him (because why I did it doesn’t matter and invalidates his feelings), and then I said I was sorry and that I could understand and would do my best to do better. I asked him if he could be patient with me if I make a mistake and let me know that I’ve made the mistake so that I can keep trying and let him know that I am always trying to do my best just like I know he is always trying to do his best.

This same misunderstanding could happen with anyone, and its important to realize that often when we think that someone has done something to wrong us or isn’t listening, that it isn’t because they don’t want to hear our words but that there was just a miss in the message received.

If you are finding yourself having trouble in your relationships, I’d like to help you learn to work through these misses so that you can have happier, healthier relationships with others.