I was thinking about the work I do, the people I work with and what I like about it and I realized while there are so many areas that I focus or work on with my clients…it can all be brought back to shame in some way.  Sometimes it is the shame we feel for things we have done that hurt our partner like having an affair.  Other times it is that shame we hold from when we were young and not feeling like we were enough for those that we look towards to care for us.  And a lot of times it is the shame we feel for being ourselves or trying to be who we want to be.

I think the reason I enjoy this work so much is because I feel like at some point in our lives we have been given the message that we aren’t enough.  I use the words “the message” because sometimes these are the stories we tell ourselves and other times these are direct messages that we have heard from those that are supposed to be our biggest supporters.  The work I do is about loving and accepting ourselves, seeing that who we are as people (even when it doesn’t follow social or societal norms) is okay and that we are not bad or broken.  

I came into this work at a later age, after giving up a marriage and life where everyone told me that I was so lucky and couldn’t figure out why I was leaving.  This isn’t going to be a blog where I blast my ex- he gave me the two best gifts of my life, my boys and I will forever be grateful to him for that.  We were/are different people, we want different things out of life, and at the end of the day- the person I am was not accepted, appreciated, and loved.  So I left because I decided to love myself first and I continue to do this everyday.  I care about others’ thoughts about me, but not more than my own.  I wanted to be a support to others that were being told that they should do what is expected instead of doing what they feel is right for them.  I wanted to be the couples therapist that was accepting of whatever relationship dynamic or kink they might be into as long as it was consensual, and to stop trying to blame basic relationship issues that happen in monogamous relationships on different relationship dynamics.

I have always worked in relationships, and one of the areas that I worked in more when I first started was affairs/infidelity.  I take a different approach to this because while I want to help the partner that has been hurt by the betrayal of the transgression; I also want to understand the partner that did the cheating.  I want to hear what their experience was, how they came to make this decision, what it was like for them as they cheated on their partner, and what is making them want to make a change and do the work.  I often heard the guilt and shame come through as they describe how it felt to come home knowing they had done something that would hurt their partner.  My job is to help them see that while we wouldn’t have chosen this way to get to the work that needs to be done to rebuild their marriage, that they are now sitting in my office putting in the work together.  We are human, we make mistakes- it’s the work, the learning, the growth that we take from it that is important.  

I also work with people in non-monogamous relationships, as well as those interested in kink.  While many of my clients are clear on who they are and what they like, it doesn’t mean that they don’t struggle with what others might think about them.  This shows up with my non-monogamous folks that don’t share with their co-workers out of fear of getting fired, their friends and family because they don’t think they will approve, and those that have children with an ex-partner out of fear of loss of custody and rights with their children.  It isn’t a widely accepted way of life and while they may feel secure in their own relationships, they don’t often get the security and support they need from those closest to them.  I enjoy the work I do with these couples/dynamics because too often they have already seen a therapist that has told them the reason their relationship is struggling is because of the other people they are seeing.  While this could be the case, many of the things that show up in non-monogamous couples also show up in monogamous couples.  Jealousy and insecurity, communication and intimacy issues as well as loss of connection are happening regardless of whether the couple is monogamous or not.  The work that needs to be done isn’t ending other relationships or activities but to understand why they are feeling this way and working on themselves on their own or with their partner to strengthen the relationship.  

In kink it shows up as questions like, “is this normal or okay?”, “how do I tell someone I’m dating that I’m into this?”, and “what if what I share is shared with others?” (this one comes up with non-monogamy too).  I do a lot of work with my clients around where they learned the message that non-monogamy or a kink is wrong and help them explore why it isn’t wrong or bad to them.  I help them navigate how they are living their lives, who they will share with, and how they make these shares.  We explore why it’s important for some to know and not others, what makes them want to share, and how to know when it is appropriate to share.  I also try to help them accept who they are and have confidence to be that person instead of doing what is the norm for comfort and ease.

An area that really fascinated me when I was going through my program for sex therapy at the University of Michigan was men’s sexual health.  And as I thought about why that interests me so much, I thought about how there has always been a focus on men’s penis’s and how they function.  Men are talking about the size of their penis from a young age (I know, I have boys), they talk about it in movies, or dating apps with people boasting about how large they are, even the angle of a dick pic is important.  And the function of it- everything from it didn’t get hard, he came too fast or it takes too long for him to cum is being discussed to the point that some men with no medical issues causing premature or delayed ejaculation or erectile dysfunction believe that they have an issue.  Instead of looking at what might have caused these things to happen, they think that something is wrong with them and the shame they feel only leads to the thing that is happening to continue to happen.  I want to help men get out of that shame and normalize the things happening in their bodies.  More to come on this topic…look for a blog specific to this and the support/resources that can help.

So whether it is work you want to do to focus on letting go of the shame you hold from childhood and thinking you aren’t enough, focusing on loving and accepting yourself and who you are, or looking at the relationships you have and what you want from them- I am here to help.