I see couples that are monogamous in my practice and those that have chosen to open up their relationships in some way- non-monogamous.  When couples come in and talk about opening up their relationship they have lots of different reasons: to spice up their own relationship, to have different sexual experiences, to explore their kinks, to have more than one connected relationship/emotionally connect with another.  I’m open to creating whatever kind of relationship they would like to have with their partner and others and my big question is less about why then how will this look and how will they do this in a world that is geared towards monogamy.

The Feels:

Some of the things we discuss have to do with time, money, communication, and sexual health information.  Other things that usually make there way into our conversations are how they will feel if/when their partner develops feelings for one of their other partners or the relationship with a new partner becomes more serious.  I hear people request that their partner not become emotionally connected or have feelings for their other partners.  This is when I jump in and say that while they can choose to end things if feelings start to happen (which I don’t recommend, I want them to remember the other person has feelings too and try to get them to think of things in a kind and ethical way), they can’t control if someone catches the feels.  When they decide to get into a relationship with someone, even if it is supposed to be casual- they can’t control if they have feelings.

Communication:

For those that are new to non-monogamy they will talk about a don’t ask, don’t tell policy- almost like an “I don’t want to know” and for some this can work.  For others it leaves them feeling like they don’t know how their partner really feels and it can lead to issues in the relationship they are working on developing with a new partner and to areas that need to be repaired in their first relationship.  The things that weren’t discussed and have happened may be asked to be discontinued, but now there is another person involved who also has feelings and is attached.  If we don’t feel secure in our first relationship then it doesn’t feel safe to step into the new one fully.  The lack of communication that I often see in monogamous couples (because they don’t have to talk about things like dating others) gets transferred over to their non-monogamous lives.  They aren’t talking about what is happening in the other relationship and don’t know how their partner feels about them dating someone else if nothing is being discussed. 

Monogamy Guilt:

The other thing that can come up with those who are new to non-monogamy and who didn’t have a feeling that this has always been a part of them is monogamy guilt.  Even though everyone is in the know, nothing is being hidden- there can still be guilt.  The guilt comes from feeling like you are doing something wrong because we live in a society where monogamy is the norm or default.  It doesn’t mean that they can’t continue in their non-monogamous relationships, but that they need to explore why they feel that guilt and if it is something they want to work on to continue the relationship with the new partner.  Do they want to be monogamous because it’s all they’ve known or does it really feel like who they are as a person?  If it is who they are as a person, then non-monogamy really will only cause confusion and hurt for all involved.  

Before you jump in:

Relationships are hard work, it’s hard being in a relationship with one person and making sure you are communicating so adding another person can feel like too much for some people.  The thing I encourage my couples to do before jumping on the dating apps is to talk about how they will handle different situations and to discuss what they are hoping for in a partner.  If you lead with what you can offer, then all parties are informed and can do what they will with that information.  Where it gets hard is when people jump in and try to figure it out along the way- this can lead to a lot of hurt feelings.  I try to remind them that others are involved and that they need to think about how they would feel if they were in that person’s shoes.  

Questions to think about/discuss with your partner:

So know what you are hoping for, know who you are and what you can offer, and negotiate what you want the relationship to be.  Know if you have always felt like you were monogamous or non-monogamous, if you believe you can only love one person at a time or many, and if you are doing this for you or because the person you are with wants to do it.  If you are only doing it because your partner wants to open up the relationship and you have the belief that you can only love one person and monogamy is the right fit for you then don’t jump into non-monogamy for your partner so they can explore it.  This is something to navigate with your partner to see if you can work towards what both want and be comfortable in those decisions.

Whatever kind of relationship you are in- I’m here to help.