We have many kinds of relationships in our lives, so many different titles.  We are a friend, child, sibling, parent, partner, co-worker- this list goes on.  And we have different expectations in each of these relationships and are okay with that.  But when we are dating more than one person or moving out of a relationship into a new one, do we have to have the same expectations for them?  

I’m posing this question because in my own dating I like to ask people to start as they intend to continue.  I do this because I want the real version of them.  I don’t want them giving me what they think I want and then struggling to continue that behavior.  Usually most people that I’ve dated would say good morning and good night naturally and I started to either ask for or expect it.  This act makes me feel important, thought of, it’s meaningful to me.  But I started dating someone new who doesn’t text as much and definitely not good morning and good night daily.  I was having a hard time with this at first but realized that I wasn’t letting him be who he is and was trying to change him based on my usual expectations.  

I acknowledged that this is work I needed to do, not him.  I started looking at the other things in the relationship that let me know I’m important or he is thinking of me instead of focusing on what I would usually see as signs of those things.  Once I was able to do this, I was able to appreciate the things he does even more, to be more grateful when he does send me a text or send’s a kiss emoji.  

I took a look at why I needed those things in some of my other relationships.  When I was expecting a good morning or good night it was because those things were given freely and when I was upset by them not happening it was because I knew that it was something that the person was capable of giving because they had (without my requesting it in the beginning).  When this happened, I was hurt and I started to create stories about why this was no longer happening- the safety and security in the relationship wasn’t there.  So the sense of safety and security that you have in a relationship can also play into why you have certain expectations and how you react when those expectations aren’t met.  If I’m feeling secure in the relationship and I don’t get a good night text because they fell asleep on the couch, I’m no longer upset or telling myself a story- I can feel secure knowing it’s not an avoidance of it or a game that is being played.  

So I think that answer- at least for me, is yes, just like different people/relationships can meet different needs, we can also have different expectations of the various relationships we are in.  The work isn’t in trying to get someone to meet your expectations as much as it is understanding why you have those expectations and if you need to have them for every person you date.

If you are wanting to work on creating healthy relationships with others, knowing what you want from those relationships and why- I’m here to help.