When we think about being in a relationship, finding a partner to share our life with, we often think about the things we see in movies. We have this idea that this person will complete us, fill our cup, make us happy. If it’s a good relationship it should be easy, no work, and we will get along all the time. This is what we are taught being in a relationship is, right? But this isn’t reality. We come from different families/backgrounds, we have experiences from past relationships that shape the moves we make, and there are things that are needed from a partner in order for the relationship to feel safe and secure.
Before we think about all the things we would like from a potential partner, we might first think about why we want to be in a relationship in the first place. With the apps as a way to quickly meet people for anything from a hookup to an actual relationship with the hope of something long term, people are able to have immediate access to people that are willing to chat with them. These apps can fill so many needs without even meeting a person face to face. When someone hits the like button on your profile it’s validating, an ego boost- sometimes that is all that someone needs. Other times people are feeling lonely and having someone to chat with fills their need for a moment. If these things are enough, then you might not really want or be ready for a relationship and this might be as far as you go.
If you are wanting more, someone to give your time and energy to, to have new experiences with, to share your favorite things in life, and are ready to take a risk and open your heart- you might be looking for a relationship. There are many types of relationships- this doesn’t just have to be romantic. If you don’t enjoy someone’s company you probably aren’t going to give them your time even as a friend. But if you enjoy a friend’s company you might choose to spend the evening with them over going out on a first date with someone you don’t know. We want different things from different types of relationships and one of my favorite things to say is that we get to choose how we want our relationships to look. I spoke about this in my blog about having different expectations with different people.
I decided to write about this not just from the experiences I have as a therapist but in my own experiences in the dating world. I try to be intentional when I am putting myself out there in the dating pool. I have caught myself feeling lonely, wanting some external validation, even going on dates with people that I might not have chosen had they not liked me first. I’ve really had to check myself and think about how that impacts others when we come into their lives and aren’t ready to date. If they are ready and excited about you but you are just filling a night so you don’t have to be home alone- this can be really hurtful to the other person who may be ready for a relationship. It could be a recent breakup that hasn’t healed or not knowing why you are dating- if you aren’t ready to invest in getting to know someone with the intention of it being the relationship you are both stating you want, then it’s best to wait until you have the emotional bandwidth to take this on.
For this blog I am speaking more about getting into a romantic relationship, why we want this type of relationship, and what our expectations are for a partner we would be in that relationship with. We often start with attraction to someone and then take the time to get to know them to see if they are in alignment with the things we are hoping for in a partner. Often we let the attraction move into the physical/chemistry/sexual tension and between this and the excitement of being with someone that is also choosing to be with us (because it’s rough out there and not all first dates lead to second ones), we don’t take the time to really get to know the person and make sure that we are on the same page.
We aren’t taught to do this, and are shown that when people are direct about what they are looking for the other person can feel things are moving too fast and might not like us. Some of the questions that we should be thinking about are: what kind of time are you hoping for in a relationship, are they wanting a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, are you interested in (living together, getting married, having kids- it could keep going: traveling, skiing, going to concerts, etc- do they want to participate in your life), what is their view on sexual health and what would that look like in the relationship, is there anything that they feel you should know about them/what are their non-negotiables in a relationship. I like to suggest that when people are having this conversation with someone new (hopefully within the first couple dates), that they explain that they want to make sure that they are on the same page and understand that this isn’t saying that the relationship will work, but more a hope that they are going in the same direction/wanting the same things.
As a therapist, one of the things that I deal with the most is a lack of communication, and I think it starts early. We tell ourselves if we are too direct and ask for/share what we need in a relationship, that we could lose the person. The question I ask my clients to think about is “why would you want to be with someone you can’t be yourself with and who doesn’t want to/isn’t capable of meeting your needs for a partner in a relationship?” If we could look at it differently and think of it as being kind to others and respecting them and caring for their hearts, then asking these questions early on and deciding to end things is the kinder option than staying with someone and realizing six months in that they aren’t a good match for you.
So before you decide to get back out there, think about why you are getting back out there. And then if it feels like it is because you are ready to give to someone in the ways that you are hoping they will give to you- then think about what you want from that partner, what you want the relationship to look like, the things you would want to do with this person, the kind of person (their character) you are looking for. And then when you go on a date- hold these conversations to see if they would be a good fit. If you find yourself attracted to someone but all the things you love and value in life you will be doing alone if you continue the relationship, you might ask yourself if this is really the right person for you.
Dating is hard, relationships are hard. If you are struggling to find your sense of self, assert yourself with confidence, and stay within your wants and needs in relationships, I’d like to help.