I recently participated in an Esther Perel Forbidden Conversations Webinar on Sex. It really made me think about how we view sexuality and how those views or beliefs affect our relationships.

We often look at sexuality as what someone does to us, putting it on the other person. I’d instead ask you to look within and ask yourself the questions you need answers to, that will help guide your partner (or yourself during self exploration) to meet your sexual needs.

Here are some of the questions/thoughts that she talks about as a framework for sexuality:
1. What does sexuality mean to you?
2. Tell me who you are erotically?
3. Tell me about who you are sexually? This question speaks to who you are- quiet, aggressive, adventurous…fill in the blank_____.
This is confusing because we think of erotic and sexual as the same thing- they are not. Erotic is our imagination, the exploration in your mind, fantasies. Sex is just sex- it could be for stress release, procreation, intimacy, pleasure, you get the idea).
4. Tell me how you were loved and I’ll tell you how you make love
If you were taught that sex is only to make children, not for pleasure- you may treat it more like a job, something to just get through, so you are not an active participant in the act.
5. Love and desire- relate and conflict
Love is to have; Desire is to want. We have our partners, the relationship, the routines of the life with share together. We want (adventure, passion, excitement, mystery…
-Is sex something you do (your duty to your partner) or a place you go?

I hope that this has given you something to think about.
If you are having issues with your own sexuality and want to talk, I’d love to explore this with you.